What causes domestic abuse

Firstly, and most importantly not the victim. Not their behaviour or any of their life choices.

No-one falls in love with an aggressive, violent and controlling person. They fall in love with someone who is attentive, interested and often very charismatic or outgoing.

This can prove difficult – when someone discloses that they are experiencing abuse and you may know the abuser, as you may find it difficult to match what you are being told (by the victim) with the person you know. It is important to recognise that it is in the abusers ‘best interest’ to paint a different picture to the world.

Domestic Abuse is about power and control. We often refer to what is called, ‘the cycle of abuse’ which is described as having the following phases

1. Tension Building
   Tension increases, breakdown of communication, the victim becomes fearful and will placate the abuser in order to keep themselves and children safe
2. The Incident
   This can range from a verbal, emotional and physical abuse. Anger, threats, blaming and intimidation
3. Reconciliation
   The abuser apologies, gives excuses, blames the victim, blames external circumstances (stress, loss of job, economic uncertainty) or implies that it wasn’t that bad
4. Calm
   The incident is ‘forgotten’, no abuse is taking place and can often be described as that similar to the beginning of the relationship attentive, affectionate, and engaged.
   Walker 1979

It’s important to remember that not all relationships follow this pattern, that a victim and their children may, ‘live’ in the tension building phase for prolonged periods of time and that as time goes on there may only be a fluctuation between the tension building phase and incident phase.